My oldest daughter is going to graduate from elementary school this May! It’s shocking to come to the realization that my two kids are going to be in two different schools this coming school year…AND that my daughter is going to be in middle school! My son is going to be in fourth grade, what? This is another milestone that happened so fast and has hit me like a bigger ton of bricks than usual. I worry about the speed of time doubling as we get closer to graduation day. “I remember it like it was yesterday,” are the only words that have been constant in my life since my first-born came to this world. In some ways, it is like yesterday, when we reached the first milestone because I have either been recovering from the milestone or just adjusting to it. Needless to say, before all the adjusting or recovering happens, new milestone occurs and another fleeting moment passes. The sad part about all of this, besides my hair starting to get grey and my once less-visible wrinkles have deepened, is that my babies are babies no more.
I can’t account for the events that have happened in MY life this past decade! My kids’ events and milestones are engraved in my brain, but if you asked me how old I am, I would be hard-pressed to come up with a number, let alone tell you how I have celebrated every birthday for the past decade. However, over the past year, I have gone through many self-help books and weekly therapy, and alas… I have started to figure out how to live in the moment! I wish I would have figured it out years ago but nevertheless, I’m glad to evolve and mature enough to start to “get it.” After a decade of not facing my own life events and milestones, I see the culprit very clearly: inability to forgive myself for not being “good enough.” My running through all the mistakes, the flaws and the past has kept me from living in the moment MOST of this past decade! If I could stop beating myself up, life would be so much easier. Easier said than done!
Over the past year, I have worked every day on stopping the daily mental beatings - when I start to think about what I missed in the kids’ lunch or how I haven’t finished doing laundry or the stupid thing I said to a friend. I stop to breathe and think of ocean waves crashing into the coast and give myself a break and forgive myself for not being able to balance it all. So far, I’ve had days when I feel that I’ve gotten so much done, mostly because I’m not so preoccupied that I’m able to notice I can drive from one side of town to the other without being in my head beating myself up the whole time. It all sounds great, BUT I don’t have those kinds of days everyday. I’m working on it and will keep trying.
My daughter is about to turn 11, and did I mention she’s about to start middle school? Ahhhhh!! I hope this next decade can be the “living in the moment” example of what’s to come. I hope it’s the omen of mental wellness and freedom, because I’m ready to enjoy every moment in my kids’ childhood (what’s left of it) and not feel like time zooms by, knocking me into unconsciousness and oblivion.